Beware of The Bully Lurking in Your Office
Dear Dr Pam,
A lot of the time I have amazing sex with my boyfriend and outside the bedroom he is a good guy. The problem is the sort of sex he ideally wants is very different to what I like. He seems to get all his ideas from porn films, particularly when it comes to blow jobs. Recently he's started pushing the back of my head with his hands, even pulling my hair a bit, something I've told him I really hate but he continues doing.
He also always wants to have sex doggy style so he can look at my bum without thinking what that says about my face. He loves coming on my bum and never seems to want to do what I want during sex and I hate being treated with no respect.
I have tried talking to him about it but it hasn't stopped him. What's most important is not that sex but the respect issue. Have I got a right to be upset or are all men like this? Thanks for any help, I'll call myself Alice. x
You hit the nail on the head - it's not so much about specific sex techniques, it's about feeling respected by your partner that is necessary for really good sex. And yes you've a 'right' to be upset but let's move you on from that to the point you can change this situation.
Also you're not alone - this is a real problem for many couples - thinking what you see on a porno is how you should be having sex. It's not. They are films and this is real life.
The good thing is you say he’s a good guy outside the bedroom and I trust that means he’s respectful.
Okay so he obviously loves your bum but hopefully the rest of you too. But when some men get focused on the favourite part of the girlfriend’s anatomy, sometimes they come across as just plain rude. They’re so fixated - because there are a bum man or a boob man, etc, - they forget she’s a whole woman.
I'd guess because otherwise he’s a good boyfriend outside of the bedroom that he’s simply not ‘hearing’ you inside the bedroom. Many men grow temporarily hard of hearing when it comes to ‘hearing’ what their partner wants to do. Unless they happen to be with a woman who wants the same things - like giving porn star-style blow jobs and having him ejaculate on her bum.
It’s time he started compromising. Maybe you’d be happy with some of the things he wants to do if he’d simply return the favour. Get more vocal about what you want - and I know you say you've tried talking. But it's crucial keep it very clear and concise when making a suggestion to try a technique you like.
Don't beat around the bush. And remember the fewer the words (and the more confident your tone) and he’ll be more likely to ‘hear’ you. This sort of clear, to-the-point communication works for any issue in a relationship.
Take this chat out of the bedroom too. When you’re both relaxed, hanging out together, is when you can tell him it doesn’t make you feel particularly respected when he does the porn star stuff.
Being out of the bedroom is less threatening for you both. That’s also when he sees you as his full-on girlfriend and not just someone he’s having sex with when he’s carried away with the excitement of his own porn star fantasies.
Stand your ground as it’s crucial you feel respected in all areas of your relationship.
Take care, Pamx
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