Beware of The Bully Lurking in Your Office
never thought I’d email someone for advice but my friends are split on this. I’ve been with my boyfriend for 18 months and it’s serious and we moved in together at Christmas.
My problem is he’s the lead guitarist in a band that’s getting around the country more. I think they’re going places as a couple small labels are interested in signing them. I was never paranoid before but now he’s away on gigs lots overnight so I get freaked out. He’s really fit and I’ve seen girls talking to him at the bar as soon as he’s offstage. I’ve even sat in the tour bus when I sometimes travel with him and they hang around outside of it! It's like they have no selfrespect!
He swears he’d never cheat and that he loves me. He says he doesn’t care about these chicks but I know some of the band sleep around everywhere they go.
How do I handle this without pushing him away? Some of my friends say he’s bound to cheat because he’s in a band and he’s fit but others say they think he’s trustworthy. Any advice? Please call me Emxx
I’m not surprised you feel a bit paranoid – you’re going out with some hunky guy who you know gets lots of attention from women. There are probably quite a few beers sunk after a gig and you’re probably thinking you’d try it on with him if you spotted him. And it’s natural to wonder how many times would he manage to turn all this attention down especially when he comes off stage - he's hyped up from playing - and is hanging out at the bar?
There’s no guarantee in life for any couple but it’s really interesting your friends are split. So it boils down to you and how you should use your intuition.
Here's how to put your intuition to use: Let’s say he always rings you after a gig, once the band has put their kit away. Then one night he doesn’t ring for a few hours. Your intuition would probably go into overdrive about what’s up? Because he’s behaved out of his ordinary behaviour your intuition flags it up - this is what it does when faced with unusual behaviour.
If such a situation happened you’d need to decide how you tackle it. You’d need to listen to what he says about not ringing you as usual. And listen to your intuition again about what it’s saying – is it saying he’s not telling the truth? Or is it saying he’s completely believable?
Because unless you get some sort of proof that’s the only thing you have to go by - your gut feeling.
Time will tell over the coming weeks and months about his behaviour – and its consistency or inconsistency.
Ultimately you can hope for the best and hope he means what he says. But you’re right, you can’t drive him away from you with constant questioning. Neither can you be the ‘gig police’ and go to every gig and make sure women don’t chat him up.
I’m hoping you can become ‘mindful’ as people say - learn to be in the moment and listen to what your intuition is telling you. We become wiser when we become more mindful - it stops the past from clouding judgement and we really do with the moment.
Obviously if you’ve struggled with insecurities and excessive jealousy with past boyfriends then you need to be aware youdon’t scupper this relationship with your own behaviour. Seeing as you haven’t mentioned that I’m guessing this hasn’t been a problem for you in the past.
Wishing you the very best of luck and take care, Pamx
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