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I've had a number of requests for some tips on having different levels of sex drives. Thank you for your emails I hope my blanket answer to these questions point you in the right direction.
When your sex drives are different
Research varies but some has found as many as 50% of couples experience mismatched sex drives. So if he or she is always pestering you for sex - and you just don't have the interest - you've got a lot of company.
It's not really surprising - after all when you got together he preferred pizza and she preferred Chinese. He loved an action holiday and she loved lying on the beach. So why wouldn't your sex drives be different too?
But there can be conflicting and confusing feelings when this happens. The partner who has a higher drive feels neglected. Or they end up feeling like there a pest always asking the partner to get in bed.
And the partner who has a lower drive might end up feeling inadequate. But also they risk feeling annoyed with their more highly-sexed partner thinking, “why can’t they just leave me alone?”
These issues have a way of creeping into the rest of your relationship even when you know you love your partner. There are ways to tackle the differences between your drives, though, so stay positive.
The first step is to stop any finger-pointing. Playing the ‘blame game’ gets you nowhere. Being honest, loving and tactful is the only way to go.
Also please remember there is no right or wrong to how high or low your sex drive is as long as you're both working towards a compromise.
Here's a helpful checklist:
Here are some [not all, mind you] of the main culprits affecting sex drive - see how many might apply to you or your partner.
ü lifestyle issues like out-of-control stress and long working hours
ü personal choices like excessive drinking, and ‘recreational’ drug use
ü being overweight leading to less sexual energy
ü experiencing depression and anxiety
ü relationship difficulties or breakdown, rows, etc.
ü certain physical problems like having a bad back are draining
ü fatigue after childbirth can kill sexual desire
ü surprising things affect sex drive including medications like the birth control pill, anti-depressants and blood pressure medications
ü hormonal changes later in life for both men and women
ü other passion killers include worries over financial problems
ü and to be brutally honest... plain old boredom in the bedroom can lead to lack of sex drive
ü a lack of fun generally in your relationship so everything seems a chore even when you have a little time in bed together.
It’s an excellent first step simply putting aside 10 minutes to carefully consider this list and work out if these - or any other things - are affecting your sex drive or your partner’s.
Think through carefully how these might apply to your situation. If any resonate with you, what can you do to improve the situation? The solutions you try might range from a medical checkup to sharing more of the household chores to ensure you both have more energy.
Share this with your partner - a positive "we can fix this together” attitude definitely helps.
Take this classic example: Let's say you're overly stressed at work – it’s killed your sex drive leaving your partner high and dry. Obviously deal with the stresses - take on fewer responsibilities, talk to your manager about streamlining your work load, etc.
But when you feel up for a fun solution play a sex-game where you pretend to be someone completely different - someone without a care in the world.
Give yourself ‘permission’ to let go and have fun. Tell your partner you're shutting out worries and focusing on some sexy pleasure. Spin this into a hot fantasy where you're the boss in your dream job - and you're interviewing them to work for you. What’s the main interview ‘test’? You have your way with them!
Certainly using this type of fantasy scenario can help someone open up about what they’d really like to try.
Do check with your doctor/healthcare provider if you think there may be an underlying medical cause including the side-effects of any medication you’re on that is dampening down your desire.
Wishing you the best of luck!
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