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Dear Pam, Having scrounged the internet, I haven't been able to find much about asexuality and I was hoping that you, as an expert, could tell me more. My reason for this being that, since puberty set in I've been...wondering. And don't get me wrong! I'm fine with physical contact; hell, I love hugs, and cuddles and kisses but I've never really (excuse the language) been turned on. I'm all for appreciation of a partner's body but orgasms may as well be out of question (even if one or two have been faked for the sake of my boyfriend's ego and to "get into it"). Long story short: I've never had an orgasm, can appreciate a body but can't remember ever getting "turned on" and trust me - incase you ask - it didn't take much for me to figure out I'm not gay. Thanks for reading this and it'd be great if you replied, A-fan-who-has-divulged-much-of-their-rather-pathetic-sex-life-to-you:)
I’m so glad you got in touch because many people feel as you do. They may want a relationship. They may want cuddles and physical contact. But for a variety of reasons they either don’t want a full sexual relationship or haven’t found satisfaction when they have slept with someone.
I’m not surprised you’ve questioned your sexuality as many would. Because you haven’t been really turned on by a man, and you faked it with your boyfriend, and many in that situation might wonder if actually they’d be turned on by a woman.
There are couple things here I’d like to point out – first there are many people who are asexual. They simply aren’t interested in the sexual side of things.
This has nothing to do with having had a traumatic sexual experience that turns them off (as many people claim must be at the root of it when they hear someone say they’re asexual). Alternatively it may have nothing to do with having parents who brought them up to feel that sex was somehow “dirty”. Again, many people who aren’t asexual say this must be at the root of it.
Sometimes it’s hormonal - rather than a choice – and you simply don’t a high level of sex hormones flowing through your system.
No one should feel judged for being asexual. But on the other hand someone who thinks they may be so-called asexual, but would like to change that, should feel free to investigate.
And some people discover it is a problem with desire and once they have increased their desire in various ways they feel they’d like a full relationship that includes sex.
But the starting point is discovering why they lack the desire for a full sexual relationship and how they can increase it.
Check out the medical side of things -
I always advocate discussing with your doctor whether you should have a hormonal test. This can be very helpful – for both women and men.
It’s also a good thing to think about your general health and whether there are any physical complaints or medical problems that would impact your desire.
Never forget that things like antidepressants medication, blood pressure medication and other medications often had the side-effect of dampening down desire.
Check out your sexual attitudes –
Then I think it’s crucial you honestly evaluate your attitudes towards sex. In any way could you subconsciously have negative messages about sex running through your mind? These will definitely hold you back from wanting to express any sexual desire underneath them.
Think about your relationships –
The next step is to think about your relationships and whether you’ve felt you couldn’t really be honest and open them? Do you hide issues including the feeling that you don’t have sexual desire from partners?
Obviously as you’ve said you’ve faked orgasm, so if you care about your boyfriend it’s important to open up about feeling you’d like to have more desire.
This doesn’t have to be a massive conversation but when you’re both pretty relaxed and have spent some enjoyable time together, say you’d like to discuss your feelings about sex. Obviously reassure him that it’s not about him (unless he does have really bad technique and there is no way he would ever turn you on - that’s another conversation about guarding him into what feels good).
Get to know your body –
It’s also crucial you get to know what arouses you so definitely try self pleasure - masturbation. Either in bed or a nice warm bath, relax and try different types of touch across your erogenous zones. Relax your mind and tell yourself as an adult woman you have every right to experience some lovely sensations.
If you relax, let go and climax and remember to share the sensations with your boyfriend. Having helped you recreate the pressure, speed and techniques excited you.
Take a holistic approach –
I also find the people who sleep well, eat well, nourish themselves, watch their stress levels and generally look after themselves, experience higher levels of desire. I’ve been working as a consultant to Lady Prelox, a natural pleasure enhancer supplement, and I also recommend trying something like that once you’ve put in place a healthy routine.
If after thinking these things through you simply feel you’re asexual then please embrace that! No one should feel the pressure to be something they are not.
If things don’t work with your present boyfriend you can check out the dating sites for those who don’t want sex as part of their relationship.
Good luck and take care of yourself, Pam x
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