Squaring up to Your Shynes...
If you suffer with shyness...
The Definitive Guide to Recognising Dishonesty
Let me show you how to tell if someone’s lying and cheating
The infuriating stories of cheating MPs fiddling expenses have brought the issue of dishonesty to everyone's lips. You might wonder if you could've "told" if you're MP was lying. The answer is Yes. There are many behavioural signs giving important information about our honesty – or dishonesty. To paraphrase Sigmund Freud, "No mortal can keep a secret. If his lips are silent, he chatters with his fingertips. Betrayal oozes out of every pore."
It's knowing what to look for, and arming yourself with knowledge, that means you’ll be able to spot a liar. And at the very least you'll be able to spot when questions make them feel nervous. Take Linda, 48, who felt she was going mad when husband Peter, 49, repeatedly denied having an affair. There were so many signs she was convinced he was lying but she couldn't get past his alibis. Eventually Linda found she’d been correctly reading those signs and he was cheating on her.
Follow this guide to help you decide if someone’s trying to pull the wool over your eyes. There are three core areas to familiarise yourself with. Remember you can’t take one signal as definitive proof of lying. However if someone shows a few signs, plus your intuition tells you something isn't "right", you've got good grounds to question their honesty.
1/ Vocal tone:
You can get a few key signs from the sound of someone's voice about whether they’re being dishonest with you. Listen out for these:
*They try and keep their vocal tone very stable so it ends up coming out as nearly a monotone. This signals that they don't want to give away nervousness.
*Listen to see if the pitch of their voice rises higher than usual as they answer. This signals that their vocal chords are constricting under pressure. And they've got "lost" in telling their lie and have forgotten to keep their vocal tone stable.
*See if they give off a tell-tale sign of anxiety by making a small noise almost like a "choking" or a "catching" sound in their voice while speaking. Read this as a signal that they’re literally choking on their words as they’re uncomfortable saying them.
* If they start using an angry tone, plus they've been evasive, you can bet they're getting fed up being caught out on dangerous ground.
2/ Vocal content:
Some further key signs about someone's honesty, or lack of it, comes from the content of what they say. See if you pick up the following:
*A classic signal of lying is someone that starts telling you a story that’s overloaded with detail. Particularly take note if they give you far more detail in their explanation then they’d usually do.
*Listen for contradictions. As someone who's lying keeps spinning a tale for you, you're likely to hear a contradiction. Try and make a mental note of the "facts" they tell you to make sure they tally by the end of their story/explanation.
* A skilled liar will do the opposite, giving you the least possible detail in an explanation so that they can't be caught out like this. Be aware of such "abbreviated" answers.
* Note if they pause before they start an answer as they try to get their "story" together in their own mind.
*Also note if they answer your questions with a question to deflect attention away from them.
3/ Body language:
Between facial expressions and actual body language you can find loads of signals of dishonesty. Here are crucial ones:
*A liar doesn't want to appear evasive so take note if they latch onto your eye contact longer than’s natural.
*An inexperienced liar avoids eye contact so also watch for their eyes constantly flicking away. Researchers dispute whether a flick to the left or the right is a true giveaway of lying.
*Beware a lying lover doesn't give you the "puppy dog eyes" look that says, "Come on, you can't doubt little old me!"
* Notice whether they cover their mouths with their hand as they speak in a defensive gesture.
*Watch for defensive body language like them crossing their arms behind their neck and leaning away from you. This signals they literally want to back away as they feel threatened.
*Note if they cross their arms across their chest defensively as they start to answer your question.
*A practised liar may not squirm in their chair but watch for other signs of anxiety like tell-tale foot “shaking”, finger-tapping, or hand-wringing as they answer your questions.
Finally, all of us tell little fibs to smooth life’s path. You tell a friend she looks "great" in something when you know it’ll crush her confidence if you say it doesn't actually suit her. You tell your partner they've "moved the earth" in bed when maybe they've only given it a little quake. And so on. Such fibs are very different to the sort of lies and dishonesty you can now look out for.
Published in The Express Newspaper
I’m excited that my new book ‘THE LAWS OF SISTERHOOD - The girlfriends’ guide to successful dating and finding the one’ is available to preorder on Amazon.
I hope you find it a unique guide that emphasises how single friends can help each other make the most of the dating scene. As well as containing a vast array of tips and techniques to help you to dating success - everything from the first date, online dating, the signals he gives out through different behaviours, and how to improve your own signals are included.
“Pam’s dating book is inspired and will make you a much more attractive and confident date” Jo Hemmings, Behavioural psychologist and author
My new book The Emotional Eater's Diet is published in the UK on May 15 - I’m very excited as I hope emotional eaters - women or men will find it helpful. Each year 2/3s of people start a diet and 20% start a new diet each month. Yet 95% of diets aren’t successful.
I firmly believe that emotional eating to soothe difficult feelings is the culprit behind most of this failure. My book has a huge range of practical tips/strategies to help understand your emotions and manage your appetite. There are mini-quizes and real case studies.
It’s available to preorder on Amazon. Please remember that food can fuel your energy needs but not your emotional needs. Take care!
I'm delighted that my latest book Sex Academy was endorsed by my fellow self-help author Siski Green who said: "Sex Academy really is THE Bible of sex books. The lessons and lectures cover the A-Z of everything you want to know - from Anal sex to getting Zero sex." I hope you enjoy it!
I was so excited and HAPPY to write this book on happiness covering my 10 unique Happiness Principles. I hope it helps increase your well-being, contentment, and happiness. I've packed it with dozens and dozens of easy-to-use strategies, plus life-changing insights. Based on about five years of collecting case studies and research I hope you'll find it helpful.
My latest sex guide's out - I've gone through thousands of questions people ask me about sex - from why they don't feel desire to how to handle a partner's kinky fetish. Here are the answers plus loads of tricks and techniques. Enjoy!
Discover the relationship between your dreams and your sex- and love-life! Go on a journey of self-discovery in this unique dream book. Case studies, a dream directory, and ‘dreamersises’ help you interpret your dreams.
My research found if a couple's been together more than one year it's unlikely you've tried any new sex tip, trick or technique for at least four months! Rescue's at hand with my 250 hottest sex tips for every aspect of your sex life.
No couple or single can be without this unique, best-selling book containing a vast range of techniques, tricks and tips to turn your lover on. From attracting someone new to recharging your old relationship, Fabulous, explores each of the sexual senses in turn!
No. 1 selling book offering you tons of fantastic sex tips PLUS a new and revolutionary ways of looking at sexual pleasure and ‘problems‘ and how they fit into a person's whole life and relationships.
No. 1 selling sex book covering everything from how your body works to infinite sex tips. The Daily Star said: 'Sinful Sex has something for everyone'
A unique parenting book giving you creative techniques to understand your child better through their dreams and nightmares. These reveal so much about a child that most parents miss out on. Strengthen your parent-child relationship, their confidence and well-being!