Squaring up to Your Shynes...
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Is It Love or Is It Lust?
Here’s how you on how to tell the difference
You're in a new relationship and feeling fantastic. But is this fabulous "honeymoon phase" you're experiencing simply about lust or could it be you’re in the first flush of real love? Take my quiz to help you tell the difference:
1/ Do you find it easy to talk to him on the phone?
A/yes, it's easy to chat
B/no, sometimes it's completely nerve-wracking
2/ What's the most important part of this relationship to you?
A/the fact we seem compatible
B/the fabulous chemistry between us
3/ Do you feel you have to be "on your best behaviour" around him?
A/I feel pretty relaxed, though I care what he thinks of me
B/I always try to impress him and at my absolute best
4/ Have you two argued yet?
A/no, any differences we've sorted out
5/ What ran through your mind the first time you laid eyes on him?
A/ that I was interested/attracted to him
B/ I thought "wow/phwoar/blimey!”
6/ If he rang you unexpectedly and wanted to meet up, would you -
A/see him, but only if it fitted with your plans?
B/drop everything and rush out?
7/ What would you say about him in the bedroom?
8/ When describing him to friends what do you highlight?
A/how compatible/great/ he is
B/how attractive/gorgeous he is and/or how amazing he is in bed
9/When thinking about him what do you focus on?
A/ how lovely it is to know him
B/how passionate and exciting it is to be with him
10/ How do you tend to spend time together?
A/doing lots of different things
B/getting passionate - can't keep our hands off each other
Count up your B answers:
0 - 2 Bs - Love Is in the Air
This could be the real thing developing. You're obviously attracted to him and enjoy his company but that's not dominated by lust and passion. You've hopefully struck a balance between such powerful, honeymoon-phase feelings and also realistic feelings about how relationships work. Keep things on track by ensuring you don't do rash things like dumping plans because he rings, and compromising between the both your needs.
3 - 5 Bs -Lust-Love Conflict
This early stage of your relationship may be torn between powerful feelings of lust/passion and realistic feelings of wanting this to succeed. Awareness of this is critical to ensuring this relationship survives the honeymoon phase. Take a look at the suggestions below and use those that you have a sneaking suspicion apply to you!
6 - 10 Bs - Caution: Handle With Care
Things are sizzling and that may feel fantastic but doesn't bode well for the future. It seems you're caught up in the whirlwind of passion in a lust-based relationship. Statistics show such relationships are less likely to survive the hurdles every couple faces. Put these suggestions into action to protect your relationship.
Self-examination - where does your desire for passion/lust come from? Do you have a history of such relationships? Perhaps your parents had a volatile and passionate relationship and this is your role model for how couples behave. Or maybe you've always been a thrill-seeker. Think about how such feelings have affected your relationships.
Stop ‘emotionalising’ - it might be that you get emotional/passionate in all areas of your life. Maybe you're a bit of a drama queen. That’s emotionally exhausting, draining your energy. Keep your emotionalising tendencies in check and literally stop yourself in your tracks as you feel emotions welling up. Take a breather, relax yourself, and try to take a more rational approach to the situation. Practice this across all areas of your life and it’ll have a positive effect on this relationship.
Self-confidence - do you find it hard to believe that someone could love you warts-and-all and feel you have to keep things exciting just to keep his interest? Then you definitely need to boost your self-confidence. Ask your best friend to describe your 2/3 best qualities. Or list them yourself and remind yourself daily about these. Think about what you bring to this relationship in terms of your personality rather than your passionate feelings. Again, remind yourself you have much to offer - not just excitement between the sheets.
Dates with a difference - dream up a couple things to do that don't revolve around passion and excitement. Suggest a lovely, calming country walk or go to a gallery for a sedate afternoon browsing the pictures. Up until now your dates have probably been crammed with excitement (and sex) so it's time to balance this out.
Dump damaging behaviors - you might’ve answered Yes to the quiz-question about dumping plans to be with him. Or recognise you start feeling insecure if you don't think you're entertaining him. Stop such behaviours and check such feelings. Instead conduct yourself in a way that isn’t damaging and shows self-respect .
Flirt-lite - finally, stop feeling you have to flirt with him continually and play-up that side of your personality. Show him the more down-to-earth and serious sides, too.
Published in The Express Newspaper
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