Bullying at work, in brief…
Money, Men And You
You might be surprised recent research has found many women are attracted to men because of their high-earning power. The chaps were viewed as particularly good "catches" if earning £50,000+ annually. This seems ludicrous in an age where most women work, a number earning more than the men they date. However these findings demonstrate the ingrained belief that money equals social-value, and that equals power. Whether or not a woman needs a man's money, because surely she should earn her own, power’s still an aphrodisiac.
It explains why women are attracted to men like Bernie Ecclestone, Andrew Lloyd Webber and Donald Trump. Needless to say it wasn’t their looks. You may not be an international-supermodel and able to land such a plutocrat, but working down the high street this research suggests you might succumb to the pulling-power in a man's earnings.
Considerations about money are important to relationships as money-matters feature in a third of divorces. So putting aside the apparent "allure" of a high-earner, what's important is your outlooks to money. People approach finances in different ways and it can be an explosive combination if your partner approaches it differently. This is because our attitudes to spending/saving, shaped early in life, are extremely strongly held beliefs wherever they fall on the big-spender to big-saver spectrum.
The Four Types Of Money-Minded Personalities
From years of talking to hundreds of people I’ve identified four main Money-Minded personalities. Read each profile to identify yours, and that of your partner's if in a relationship.
A/ Super Saver: Overly cautious with spending. May be considered extremely "tight". Is never generous even when gift-giving. Always has a savings account or three (!). Very cautious about investments - even missing out on good deals through caution. Probably had parsimonious parents and lived in constrained circumstances due to their parents’ penny-pinching.
B/ Sensible: Careful, but not cautious, when it comes to spending. Likely to have a savings and/or pension plan but will spend occasionally on "extras" or luxuries. Plan ahead for any weather but would never be accused of being “tight”. Probably from a family that had a well-planned life with a home, mortgage, cars and holidays that weren't extravagant.
C. Splurger: May occasionally over/binge-spend. Likely to have one or two credit card debts. They know they shouldn't overspend and can pinpoint circumstances underlying spending sprees. Recognise when they’ve gone too far and try to bail themselves out. When on an even-keel they’ve the best intentions and might save. May’ve come from a family where the parents gave mixed messages about finances or the parents themselves occasionally over-splurged. Childhood might’ve been shaped by occasional panics about finances.
D. Super Spender: A constant over-spender who’s always in trouble. Often have larger-than-life personalities that go with their larger-than-their-bank-balance spending. No idea how to save or have a goal in terms of financial intelligence. Unless they get help, or rein in their worst impulses, they’re likely to go bankrupt. The majority had a parent/s unable to control their spending. Their childhood would’ve been insecure with regular money worries.
Differences in money-minded personality types will pull you apart if you don't communicate and compromise. Whether initially attracted to someone's earning power, or not, you still need to negotiate potential problems. Here are five financial “must-dos” to help negotiate the money-minefield whether you’ve different or similar attitudes to finances.
1/ The Little Things Count! In the first flush of love/dating it’s hard to raise money matters. People feel embarrassed. But it's important right from the start, e.g., in deciding who pays on dates or if you share costs. Be straightforward about these matters. If it continues to feel awkward discussing such issues you’re setting up future problems if together in the long-term. You lay down positive foundations if you confidently discuss finance when it arises.
2/ Budgets Are Good! As your relationship deepens budgeting issues become important. One of you may have higher out goings, e.g., a higher mortgage. Together decide who puts in what towards making purchases that benefit you both, e.g., leisure pursuits and holidays. Negotiate spending when going on holiday together and where one has more disposable income. Don't be pressured into spending more because your partner earns more. State what your budget is and stick to it.
3/ Honesty Is Best! Honesty/openness about your finances becomes increasingly important as things progress. Secrecy about money causes insecurity. If either of you is “secretive” it’s best to know why since some use this as a way of controlling a relationship. Be brave and sit the secretive partner down. Calmly describe your worries and ask why they, e.g., hide credit card receipts. Once difficult emotions are in-the-open they’re easier to handle.
4/ Negotiate Compromise! The sooner you start to compromise over expenditure the more you protect your future together. If one of you is a Super Spender and the other a Super Saver it works to sit down regularly, discuss budgets and compromise. If a big expenditure is coming up, e.g., buying a three-piece suite and the Super Spender wants a luxurious one, looking through the reality of bank balances in black and white can help stifle their impulsiveness.
5/ Compartmentalise Money Worries! If you’ve any money difficulties don't let these seep into the rest of your relationship, draining away the fun and harmony you have in other areas. Keep your boundaries clear. If you, e.g., disagree over whose family to visit at the weekend don't throw-in the argument about money you recently had to fuel the flames.
Ultimately if you decide to marry/cohabit it’s worth considering professional legal/financial advice. Many wouldn't want a pre-marital agreement. However they do offer protection for particular sets of circumstances. Working together like this means that money issues won't work against you.
Published in The Express Newspaper
I’m excited that my new book ‘THE LAWS OF SISTERHOOD - The girlfriends’ guide to successful dating and finding the one’ is available to preorder on Amazon.
I hope you find it a unique guide that emphasises how single friends can help each other make the most of the dating scene. As well as containing a vast array of tips and techniques to help you to dating success - everything from the first date, online dating, the signals he gives out through different behaviours, and how to improve your own signals are included.
“Pam’s dating book is inspired and will make you a much more attractive and confident date” Jo Hemmings, Behavioural psychologist and author
My new book The Emotional Eater's Diet is published in the UK on May 15 - I’m very excited as I hope emotional eaters - women or men will find it helpful. Each year 2/3s of people start a diet and 20% start a new diet each month. Yet 95% of diets aren’t successful.
I firmly believe that emotional eating to soothe difficult feelings is the culprit behind most of this failure. My book has a huge range of practical tips/strategies to help understand your emotions and manage your appetite. There are mini-quizes and real case studies.
It’s available to preorder on Amazon. Please remember that food can fuel your energy needs but not your emotional needs. Take care!
I'm delighted that my latest book Sex Academy was endorsed by my fellow self-help author Siski Green who said: "Sex Academy really is THE Bible of sex books. The lessons and lectures cover the A-Z of everything you want to know - from Anal sex to getting Zero sex." I hope you enjoy it!
I was so excited and HAPPY to write this book on happiness covering my 10 unique Happiness Principles. I hope it helps increase your well-being, contentment, and happiness. I've packed it with dozens and dozens of easy-to-use strategies, plus life-changing insights. Based on about five years of collecting case studies and research I hope you'll find it helpful.
My latest sex guide's out - I've gone through thousands of questions people ask me about sex - from why they don't feel desire to how to handle a partner's kinky fetish. Here are the answers plus loads of tricks and techniques. Enjoy!
Discover the relationship between your dreams and your sex- and love-life! Go on a journey of self-discovery in this unique dream book. Case studies, a dream directory, and ‘dreamersises’ help you interpret your dreams.
My research found if a couple's been together more than one year it's unlikely you've tried any new sex tip, trick or technique for at least four months! Rescue's at hand with my 250 hottest sex tips for every aspect of your sex life.
No couple or single can be without this unique, best-selling book containing a vast range of techniques, tricks and tips to turn your lover on. From attracting someone new to recharging your old relationship, Fabulous, explores each of the sexual senses in turn!
No. 1 selling book offering you tons of fantastic sex tips PLUS a new and revolutionary ways of looking at sexual pleasure and ‘problems‘ and how they fit into a person's whole life and relationships.
No. 1 selling sex book covering everything from how your body works to infinite sex tips. The Daily Star said: 'Sinful Sex has something for everyone'
A unique parenting book giving you creative techniques to understand your child better through their dreams and nightmares. These reveal so much about a child that most parents miss out on. Strengthen your parent-child relationship, their confidence and well-being!