Bullying at work, in brief…
Eight Things You Should Never Say To Your Partner
Here's help to steer you clear of communication minefields!
George Bernard Shaw was wrong saying the English language divides two great nations, Britain and America, because it actually divides the two great genders - men and women. From Danielle Lloyd saying that Teddy Sheringham didn't want to talk about the Celebrity Big Brother House fiasco, to Hilary Swank leaving husband Chad Lowe because he'd never discussed his addiction troubles, men and women often face a vast communication divide.
For example, research shows women give more detail than men do in conversation. And that men often find such detail irrelevant and annoying. They then tune women out, which in turn annoys women. Neither wins!
Another key difference in communication is that men take some things more literally than women. Meaning that if a woman says something in the heat of the moment he'll actually believe it. But if he says something hurtful, when things have calmed down, she's more likely to write it off as something related to that argument.
Bear these things in mind when trying to make a point to your partner. Or when you're angry and liable to say things you can’t take back. The following are typical things women say that can undermine or damage relationships permanently. Utter them at your peril!
1/ "My ex could do X, Y or Z!"
If you want to make your partner resent you then compare him unfavourably to your ex. Even if you’re not directly comparing him, but instead you're saying how good your ex was at something, he'll still take it as a comparison. The golden rule when it comes to exes is never mention anything they were good at. Tell him what he's good at.
2/ Avoid at all cost using the "D-word" as in, "Well, let’s get a divorce, then!"
Remember, he thinks literally. If you put "divorce" into the mix he may think, "Yeah, she's right." Before you mentioned it, it may not have been in his mental-landscape. But once on-the-table you can’t claw it back. Couples’ research shows those who bandy the D-word about tend to divorce quicker. Anyway, divorce is a decision you should make when not angry, have cooled down, thought things over, and tried everything.
3/ "You never satisfy me in bed!"
The quickest way to make sure he never satisfies you is to issue this sweeping claim. This emasculates him to the point where he won't care about satisfying you because he's so angry with you. Or he feels so threatened that he's paralysed with anxiety about sex. Maybe you've lost that loving feeling but at some point he must’ve turned you on. And he can do it again if you’re tactful about it. Effuse about the things he does do right so he does more of them! Then tactfully suggest trying new techniques.
4/ "You don't care about my feelings!"
Of course he cares about you and men hate being accused that they don’t. He just might not show it in the way you expect. Ask him for that extra hug when you've had a hard day. Or to make consoling noises when you’re having a bad-hair day and no matter what you do it looks awful. Explain your feelings in a non-emotive way (calmly!) and he’ll be more comfortable handling them.
5/ “You’re never there for me!”
By saying this when the big stuff happens (e.g. falling out with your sister, gaining a stone in weight) you give him a "get-out clause" - an expectation that he'll never understand so he won't bother trying. Don't give him a "get-out clause". Men find it hard when they can’t “fix” something for you, particularly the bigger things. Tell him you just want him to literally “be there” to listen and that you’re not asking him for a solution.
6/ “You’re useless at DIY, let’s just get a builder in!”
Even if he’s rubbish at DIY give him a chance to learn or give him the jobs you know he won't mess up. Deep down all men have an "inner builder" so if you must get a proper one in make out that it's the last thing you want.
7/ “Brad Pitt, George Clooney, Orlando Bloom, (your favourite Hollywood star) is the most gorgeous man in the world!”
No, your partner is the most gorgeous man in the world! You'd hate it if he said that about Angelina Jolie or Sienna Miller but for some reason women think men don't object to these remarks. They do, keep that Hollywood hunk as a private fantasy.
8/ “You’re such a wimp!”
Emasculation No. 2! Outside of "bedroom criticism", men hate this word. Such remarks about his general strength of character/manliness are crushing. From when he lets his boss walk over him (and you want to shake him into action) to when he bangs his thumb making a big fuss (and you’re thinking, "why don’t you try childbirth?!"), boost his self-belief with carefully chosen words.
If in doubt about something you want to say, exercise caution. Ask yourself if he'll take it literally, if it's justified, or if he'll simply tune you out.
Published in The Express Newspaper
I’m excited that my new book ‘THE LAWS OF SISTERHOOD - The girlfriends’ guide to successful dating and finding the one’ is available to preorder on Amazon.
I hope you find it a unique guide that emphasises how single friends can help each other make the most of the dating scene. As well as containing a vast array of tips and techniques to help you to dating success - everything from the first date, online dating, the signals he gives out through different behaviours, and how to improve your own signals are included.
“Pam’s dating book is inspired and will make you a much more attractive and confident date” Jo Hemmings, Behavioural psychologist and author
My new book The Emotional Eater's Diet is published in the UK on May 15 - I’m very excited as I hope emotional eaters - women or men will find it helpful. Each year 2/3s of people start a diet and 20% start a new diet each month. Yet 95% of diets aren’t successful.
I firmly believe that emotional eating to soothe difficult feelings is the culprit behind most of this failure. My book has a huge range of practical tips/strategies to help understand your emotions and manage your appetite. There are mini-quizes and real case studies.
It’s available to preorder on Amazon. Please remember that food can fuel your energy needs but not your emotional needs. Take care!
I'm delighted that my latest book Sex Academy was endorsed by my fellow self-help author Siski Green who said: "Sex Academy really is THE Bible of sex books. The lessons and lectures cover the A-Z of everything you want to know - from Anal sex to getting Zero sex." I hope you enjoy it!
I was so excited and HAPPY to write this book on happiness covering my 10 unique Happiness Principles. I hope it helps increase your well-being, contentment, and happiness. I've packed it with dozens and dozens of easy-to-use strategies, plus life-changing insights. Based on about five years of collecting case studies and research I hope you'll find it helpful.
My latest sex guide's out - I've gone through thousands of questions people ask me about sex - from why they don't feel desire to how to handle a partner's kinky fetish. Here are the answers plus loads of tricks and techniques. Enjoy!
Discover the relationship between your dreams and your sex- and love-life! Go on a journey of self-discovery in this unique dream book. Case studies, a dream directory, and ‘dreamersises’ help you interpret your dreams.
My research found if a couple's been together more than one year it's unlikely you've tried any new sex tip, trick or technique for at least four months! Rescue's at hand with my 250 hottest sex tips for every aspect of your sex life.
No couple or single can be without this unique, best-selling book containing a vast range of techniques, tricks and tips to turn your lover on. From attracting someone new to recharging your old relationship, Fabulous, explores each of the sexual senses in turn!
No. 1 selling book offering you tons of fantastic sex tips PLUS a new and revolutionary ways of looking at sexual pleasure and ‘problems‘ and how they fit into a person's whole life and relationships.
No. 1 selling sex book covering everything from how your body works to infinite sex tips. The Daily Star said: 'Sinful Sex has something for everyone'
A unique parenting book giving you creative techniques to understand your child better through their dreams and nightmares. These reveal so much about a child that most parents miss out on. Strengthen your parent-child relationship, their confidence and well-being!