Is Stress Actually Stressing You Out?...Tackle the strain of...
Diagnosis: An Affair
We may never know the truth behind the allegations that Gordon Ramsay and Sarah Symonds had an affair however one truth is certain: an affair causes tremendous pain all ‘round. The question on most people's lips is why would anyone who seems to "have it all" be tempted to stray? The answer is never simple.
From my experience adulterers who otherwise have apparently happy lives often have some personality trait that drives this bad behaviour. Either they’re natural born risk-takers and get a buzz from playing away. It's the thrill of almost getting caught that's so exciting.
Or it may be they have little sense of the damage an affair might cause. Such adulterers are emotionally ignorant when it comes to other people's feelings. They don't realise what good intuition their partner might have and that he/she will start suspecting something.
Sometimes it’s down to pure lust. The sex drive can be incredibly powerful and if a person doesn’t have the will to say No to an opportunity – they’ve had some drinks, had a row with their partner, have been going through a bad patch (there are loads of excuses I’ve been told!) – they find it hard to resist. And when they seize an opportunity to have, say, a one night stand knowing full well it’s wrong it can become a full-blown affair that they hadn't intended. But ultimately they don't have the guts to stop it and it becomes a secret part of their life.
Women who become mistresses often have the most self-destructive motivations. Sometimes they're frightened of real commitment and by choosing an unavailable man they get some male company but know they won't have to forge a genuine relationship. Or they have a manipulative side, seeing it as a challenge of whether or not they can wrestle a man away from another woman.
Others are emotionally vulnerable and don't feel deserving of more than the scraps of a relationship so get taken advantage of by attached men. While some mistresses are attracted to a man's power or charisma whether they work with him or come across him by chance. They find his allure so powerful and long to snatch him away from his partner.
If you find yourself caught up in the misery of an affair then you're in good company with surveys finding about 30% of women and 40% of men admit to being unfaithful in at least one relationship during their life.
When a partner first discovers an affair they’re bombarded by a range of powerful emotions from hatred, to betrayal to a huge sense of “why did they do this to me?” These lead them to feel torn between two urges - "should I stay or should I go?"
Here are some things to consider:
When you've just been devastated by news of an affair it's not the time to make big decisions about staying or going. Go ahead and rant, rave and sob but don't necessarily rush to kick them out or to have a "revenge affair". That’ll make things more difficult if you decide you'd like to repair the damage.
Is the unfaithful partner prepared to be completely honest about why they cheated? If not, then a big part of them probably feels your relationship is over and that’s why they strayed. Otherwise they’d be grovelling to explain and make amends.
Consider carefully how much detail you want about the actual trysts. You do want to know the ‘whys’ of why it happened but the nitty-gritty of waht they did with their lover can be too much for some to hear.
Can both of see what part you played in taking your relationship for granted? That's no excuse for an affair but often a fling looks like a good thing when there’s dissatisfaction in a relationship. Identifying what each could do better from now on is a good starting point.
You both need to accept that if you stay together it’ll take time for these very deep wounds to heal. The cheater needs to be patient. And the betrayed must resist throwing the affair in their face each time they have a problem.
Ultimately prevention is better than cure. If you feel things are slipping in your relationship try these:
Immediately start to build in quality time with each other - even if a couple of hours every fortnight for a "date".
Start listening to your partner. Because you're busy it's tempting to pay lip service to the things they say and a wall grows between you.
Make a note of the three biggest reasons why you fell in love with your partner in the first place. Put that somewhere handy to look at every day.
You may have let sensual spark die in your relationship. You can rekindle things with little romantic gestures, affection and indulging your partner with some pleasurable techniques to make them feel special.
If the affair keeps rearing its head yet you’d really love to put it behind you then try Relate 0300-100-12344
Published in The Express Newspaper
I’m excited that my new book ‘THE LAWS OF SISTERHOOD - The girlfriends’ guide to successful dating and finding the one’ is available to preorder on Amazon.
I hope you find it a unique guide that emphasises how single friends can help each other make the most of the dating scene. As well as containing a vast array of tips and techniques to help you to dating success - everything from the first date, online dating, the signals he gives out through different behaviours, and how to improve your own signals are included.
“Pam’s dating book is inspired and will make you a much more attractive and confident date” Jo Hemmings, Behavioural psychologist and author
My new book The Emotional Eater's Diet is published in the UK on May 15 - I’m very excited as I hope emotional eaters - women or men will find it helpful. Each year 2/3s of people start a diet and 20% start a new diet each month. Yet 95% of diets aren’t successful.
I firmly believe that emotional eating to soothe difficult feelings is the culprit behind most of this failure. My book has a huge range of practical tips/strategies to help understand your emotions and manage your appetite. There are mini-quizes and real case studies.
It’s available to preorder on Amazon. Please remember that food can fuel your energy needs but not your emotional needs. Take care!
I'm delighted that my latest book Sex Academy was endorsed by my fellow self-help author Siski Green who said: "Sex Academy really is THE Bible of sex books. The lessons and lectures cover the A-Z of everything you want to know - from Anal sex to getting Zero sex." I hope you enjoy it!
I was so excited and HAPPY to write this book on happiness covering my 10 unique Happiness Principles. I hope it helps increase your well-being, contentment, and happiness. I've packed it with dozens and dozens of easy-to-use strategies, plus life-changing insights. Based on about five years of collecting case studies and research I hope you'll find it helpful.
My latest sex guide's out - I've gone through thousands of questions people ask me about sex - from why they don't feel desire to how to handle a partner's kinky fetish. Here are the answers plus loads of tricks and techniques. Enjoy!
Discover the relationship between your dreams and your sex- and love-life! Go on a journey of self-discovery in this unique dream book. Case studies, a dream directory, and ‘dreamersises’ help you interpret your dreams.
My research found if a couple's been together more than one year it's unlikely you've tried any new sex tip, trick or technique for at least four months! Rescue's at hand with my 250 hottest sex tips for every aspect of your sex life.
No couple or single can be without this unique, best-selling book containing a vast range of techniques, tricks and tips to turn your lover on. From attracting someone new to recharging your old relationship, Fabulous, explores each of the sexual senses in turn!
No. 1 selling book offering you tons of fantastic sex tips PLUS a new and revolutionary ways of looking at sexual pleasure and ‘problems‘ and how they fit into a person's whole life and relationships.
No. 1 selling sex book covering everything from how your body works to infinite sex tips. The Daily Star said: 'Sinful Sex has something for everyone'
A unique parenting book giving you creative techniques to understand your child better through their dreams and nightmares. These reveal so much about a child that most parents miss out on. Strengthen your parent-child relationship, their confidence and well-being!