Why Mismatched Couples Should Beware!

16/10/2009

Sienna’s Heartbreak And Why Mismatched Couples Should Beware!

Right from the start when the gorgeous Sienna Miller got together with fellow actor Rhys Ifans people quite unfairly judged them as "the beauty and the beast" couple. Yes, he always looks like he needs a good wash and Sienna always scrubs up very well. But behind the scenes he may have been an amazing boy friend - until now at least.

It seems that Sienna has dumped him and it may be due to some other sort of mismatch - not just their vastly different levels of physical attractiveness. Because it's always been rumoured, but never proven I hasten to add, that she did try and get him to alter his style while they were together. The fact that she always leads the fashion pack - and he didn't even bother to follow - might’ve irked her. You know what it's like when a person is into fashion - it becomes part of their lifestyle and maybe Rhys just wasn't that interested.

I also suspect that she may have been more driven than he was, although of course I can’t know that for sure. But what makes me feel that is the way Sienna has relentlessly pursued her career and it is hugely professional about showing up for every red carpet event and keeping her profile high. Whereas Rhys has often been photographed antagonising the paparazzi and trying to get them to leave him alone.

The Domino Effect In Mismatched Couples

When these basic mismatches occur in a couple then I usually find there's a domino effect. One thing that they take a different approach to actually spins out into other things and so on. Like a set of dominoes falling they come to realise that one thing after another they’re not very well matched on.

With this ripple effect more and more disagreements occur. A couple finds the more niggles they have and as more disagreements occur, the bigger the arguments get. Although the honeymoon phase of a relationship (where you can’t keep your hands off of each other and everything your partner does you think is fabulous!) means that people who are quite mismatched often overlook things.

But a number of months down the line they cannot overlook how many disagreements and arguments they’re having.

The Big Question Becomes What Keeps Us Together?

At this point in a mismatched couple's relationship they start questioning "what’s actually keeping us together?" They start looking at each other for who that other person really is - someone who wants to do different things than they do, someone who dresses differently than they do, maybe someone with very different opinions and views than theirs.

The mounting evidence that maybe there's not much keeping them together starts to tip them over into questioning whether they should break-up or not. This can be a very difficult time usually when one person feels that it can still work. And sometimes they feel they have to prove to their partner why it will work. They get a bee in their bonnet about showing how much they love their partner and perhaps saying that they’ll change to be more like their partner.

Can It Be Saved Between A Mismatched Couple?

It can only be saved between a mismatched couple if both feel there's enough common ground to make it worthwhile to try and reach a compromise on the rest of things they disagree about. It's almost always bound to fail if only one person feels this and is trying to prove it to the other.

What you can try is:

Sit down when you haven't been arguing and make a list of the things you actually share and enjoy.

Next compare that list to the things that you’re mismatched over. Be honest but tactful about how these two lists compare. Do the things you actually get along over outweigh the things you've been disagreeing about?

If you're feeling fairly optimistic now you can try to come up with compromise over the areas you mismatched. Each of you should make suggestions - neither of you should dominate this process. Because that will only bring you back to one of you wanting to salvage the relationship.

It's also worthwhile to look back over your good times. What made them good? Was it simply the honeymoon phase and all that passionate sex? Or was it something else that you used to try and bridge the gap between your differences?

Finally you could look to the future and whether anything’s going to change about your differences. Perhaps you've been mismatched over how hard you work and your aspirations. But the one of you that had lower aspirations has now decided to change jobs and is feeling they're going to work harder. Will such circumstances change the way you two feel?

Ultimately, if these suggestions don't get you two talking about the good things you have shared and might share in the future, then probably you are too mismatched to see a way forward.

Published on MSN.co.UK