Squaring up to Your Shynes...
If you suffer with shyness...
Become An Action Woman To Find Love
I want you to face the many fears that can potentially hold you back from being happy within yourself and finding love. Every woman needs to challenge their anxieties, fears and worries and has the potential to do so - now's the time to start challenging yours!
Here are some typical love barriers I'm going to highlight for you. Even if you think some of them don't affect you, have a read through as you might learn something!
Feeling "not good enough" or "unworthy" is one of the most common and important issues that hold women back from enjoying healthy and happy relationships. Low self-confidence is prevalent in our society that places so much emphasis on "success" of every kind, including having the perfect romance and relationship. Here's an analogy to consider - think of your basic confidence levels as the equivalent of foreplay before sex. If you don't have foreplay, you're very unlikely to have great sex! The same is true with confidence - if you don't have adequate levels you’re unlikely to find a happy and loving relationship. This is because women with low confidence tend to attract men that’ll take advantage of that. They read the signs that you’re emotionally vulnerable and don't think much of yourself, and see you as an easy target for a quick fling on the one hand - or on the extreme end of things, an abusive relationship.
The flipside to that is that you’re far more likely to attract men who feel good about themselves - and so don't need to take advantage of you to make themselves feel better - when you feel good about yourself. One survey of what men were looking for in a woman found the confidence was one of the top desirable personality traits apart from being a happy person.
Top confidence tips - * A great starting point is to affirm to yourself every day your three best personal qualities. Write them on Post-it notes that you stick in convenient places you're likely to see them - the bathroom cabinet or desk drawer. * Choose something that you’re good at and develop that into a hobby. Research shows that women who pursue active interests, that they feel good about, have higher self-confidence. * When that "little devil on your shoulder" starts running you down, change your inner voice into a more positive and soothing one.
Being shy and keeping yourself to yourself obviously impairs your ability to develop relationships. Shyness usually develops in women who are overly critical of them selves. They also believe that everyone notices their faults. It becomes easier to withdrawal from even trying to meet people or venture into a relationship.
Top shyness tips - * Remind yourself that people are very busy in our modern world and are not focusing on you and your faults! * When you first meet a man, turn the spotlight on them, and ask them questions. * Focus on one thought at a time when first speaking to someone as shy people tend to let thousands of thoughts swirl around their mind and then become tongue-tied.
Insecure body image –
There’s enormous pressure for us to be physically perfect. Not only are we expected to look attractive but were expected to be as slim and toned as possible. The basic human figure was not designed for perfection! It was designed for physically challenging tasks back in the hunter-gatherer days and to reproduce. Body image research I was involved in found that the majority of women worry frequently about their physical attractiveness. These insecurities hold them back from living life to the full. Do you want to lie on your deathbed and be able to say that you had the most fun and interesting life possible or that you stopped enjoying yourself because you weighed a stone too much or your bottom was too big? Believe me to, men get very annoyed when a woman goes on about their imagined faults.
Top body image tips - * Men simply do not notice what we see as our lumps and bumps. Their visual system is not tuned in to such details - what they notice is the overall package, particularly the body-language signals. Stand confidently, smile as if you mean it, and remember you’re fabulous. * Emphasise the parts of you that you feel best about. There are so many fashion tricks to put to good use to enhance your best attributes and disguise we use the as your worst. * Stand in front of a mirror, preferably naked, and "soften" the way you look at yourself. Be gentle on yourself and affirm that you are wonderful the way you are.
Once bitten twice shy –
There's nothing less attractive than a bitter woman who drones on about their ex-boyfriend or husband that treated them badly. Such a woman who's been "bitten" badly and can’t let go of that of the past is far less likely to find love. Even at a sub conscious level many women who've been hurt give off the message that they are convinced the next man will be just as bad as the last, that all men or rats, and that no man can ever make them happy. Can you blame a potential date being put off by those messages?
Top tips if you've been hurt - * Don't bring up your ex when you meet a new-man. Save that conversation for a time when they know all about your wonderful qualities. * Remind yourself that you wouldn't want to be "tarred and feathered" with the same brush as a woman who had hurt a man. You want to be seen as an individual and so too do the new men you meet. * If you’ve been hurt then take things slowly. You're less likely to be hurt if you don't plunge into a new relationship.
The Princess Syndrome –
So your love life has been like a dessert - a bit barren and dry. Then a new man arrives on the scene - how exciting! There's huge temptation to keep your mobile on at all times - even the middle of the night - and never, ever to miss his calls. I call this the Princess Syndrome where you keep your life on hold waiting around in your Gilded Tower for him to ask you out. The last thing you should do is stop your life for a new man. If anything, you’re far more interesting if you're a busy and fun woman rather than one who picks up the phone after the first ring!
Top Princess tips - * Don't cancel plans with, e.g., your girlfriends if he asks you out spontaneously. Instead suggest the next evening that you’re free. * It sounds like playing a game but don't pick up after the first ring - he can wait for two or three rings before he hears your wonderful voice! * Ditto - if you miss his call you don't have to return it within seconds. He can wait an hour two and won't think you always hanging by the phone waiting for him. That can get a bit boring!
Putting it on a platter -
You think you're an independent and liberated woman - and you should be! You think you can handle sex on your terms - and that's fine if you can. But many women tell me that what they were really looking for was romance and a relationship not just sex. Put it on a platter and most men will take it - even the good ones. unfortunately we live in the real world and you need to face facts that if you want more than sex a lot of men want to be the chance of relationship if you give it to them too quickly. I'm sorry, it sounds Neanderthal of them, but it's true as survey after survey shows men hold on to this old fashion attitude about women and sex.
Top tips about sex – * Don't use sex to get love. Be clear about what you want when you meet someone new. * Don't be pressured into sex before you're ready. It won't be as sensational as you deserve and why should you rush anything you don't want to? * When you're ready always practise safer sex. * A rule-of-thumb for knowing that you’re ready for sex on your terms is when you can actually talk about important issues with the new man in your life. If you can’t talk to him why would you want to share your body with him?
I’m excited that my new book ‘THE LAWS OF SISTERHOOD - The girlfriends’ guide to successful dating and finding the one’ is available to preorder on Amazon.
I hope you find it a unique guide that emphasises how single friends can help each other make the most of the dating scene. As well as containing a vast array of tips and techniques to help you to dating success - everything from the first date, online dating, the signals he gives out through different behaviours, and how to improve your own signals are included.
“Pam’s dating book is inspired and will make you a much more attractive and confident date” Jo Hemmings, Behavioural psychologist and author
My new book The Emotional Eater's Diet is published in the UK on May 15 - I’m very excited as I hope emotional eaters - women or men will find it helpful. Each year 2/3s of people start a diet and 20% start a new diet each month. Yet 95% of diets aren’t successful.
I firmly believe that emotional eating to soothe difficult feelings is the culprit behind most of this failure. My book has a huge range of practical tips/strategies to help understand your emotions and manage your appetite. There are mini-quizes and real case studies.
It’s available to preorder on Amazon. Please remember that food can fuel your energy needs but not your emotional needs. Take care!
I'm delighted that my latest book Sex Academy was endorsed by my fellow self-help author Siski Green who said: "Sex Academy really is THE Bible of sex books. The lessons and lectures cover the A-Z of everything you want to know - from Anal sex to getting Zero sex." I hope you enjoy it!
I was so excited and HAPPY to write this book on happiness covering my 10 unique Happiness Principles. I hope it helps increase your well-being, contentment, and happiness. I've packed it with dozens and dozens of easy-to-use strategies, plus life-changing insights. Based on about five years of collecting case studies and research I hope you'll find it helpful.
My latest sex guide's out - I've gone through thousands of questions people ask me about sex - from why they don't feel desire to how to handle a partner's kinky fetish. Here are the answers plus loads of tricks and techniques. Enjoy!
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