Squaring up to Your Shynes...
If you suffer with shyness...
Personal Growth And Commitment
Time to understand a bit more about yourself! That’s something we all need to do to make our lives generally - and our pursuit of love and a relationship specifically - better. You've observed others (particularly those men!) and now may have a better understanding of what makes them tick. Hopefully you've discovered skills you didn't know you had - for example, by helping others as well as yourself to shine in different circumstances. Many of which will have been out of your comfort zone!
Life and love are dynamic - they change. Things don't remain static, i.e., you’re always changing even if you don't recognise it and those you meet are changing too. This is a fantastic opportunity for you to take all that you've learned - and all that you're going to learn this week - and remember it’s part of an ongoing process to enhance your life and find love too.
The next few steps:
Hang on to your new outlook!
It's very often the case when we're learning about ourselves that we take a step forward and then a couple steps backwards. It's quite natural to suddenly feel a little more confident around men, decide to chat one up, find he's not interested and to feel your new-found confidence start to crumble. How to stop this happening? Here's a couple tips:
* From now on when you experience a little setback generally, or a knock back from a man, or find one of life's hurdles a bit challenging remind yourself that previously you might not have put yourself in this situation - and that's a huge positive! Keep telling yourself you’re in new and different situations and there's bound to be ones that are more daunting than others.
* Force yourself to think of the good that's come out of the setback or knock back. For example, the man you chatted up at the salsa class you decided to take may not have fancied you back, but you’re sure enjoying learning how to dance! There’s a silver lining to every cloud if you're prepared to see it.
It's important to keep re-evaluating where you are, what your goals are, and what steps to take to reach them. Let's say you join a creative-writing class only to find that the men in the class are ones you’d choose to be friends with and not lovers. Your time is short because you've just got a promotion at work and for the next month need to get on top of your new position. Ask yourself this - if your goal is to get into a relationship what should you do? You can always restart creative-writing any time, and continue to do it on your own, AND keep your new male-friends’ phone numbers, but you should now look for a new enjoyable hobby/class where you meet a new set of men - one you might fancy.
Forward plan in your diary every two months to take an hour out for evaluating how your life generally and finding a man specifically is going. Put these dates in now and stick to them (unless some fabulous opportunity arises – remember to keep flexible!). Ask yourself these important questions - which area of your life are you happiest with? Which area are you least happiest with? How much are you doing to get out there and meet new men? If you've had any dates - have they been happy or unhappy experiences - and why?
To keep yourself feeling good and worthy of a wonderful relationship be nice to yourself.
* Treat yourself occasionally to some new make-up - most beauty counters in the big department stores are happy to give you a free new look.
* Send yourself a text reminding yourself how wonderful you are! You don't have to wait for someone else to tell you this.
* Learn to say No to something you don't really want to do and instead relax in a sudsy bath with some sensual aromatherapy oils.
Just because you're making strides in opening up how you feel, where you go, who you meet don't get complacent. Dream up a little challenge every week or two to keep you out of that comfort zone. For example, take yourself out for dinner or lunch on your own to continue developing your self-reliance.
* It's the same for singles events - thinK about what you want out of an event. Some are great just for the experience - like speed dating. You have to think on your feet and put your best foot forward to have a positive experience. However if you relied completely on speed dating events (and there are plenty to choose from) this would stop you from meeting people in more natural settings. Speed dating events are incredibly contrived and can feel bit like a meat market.
* Once you've experienced various single events, tried night classes, etc., you'll probably have a good idea of the things you thrive at. do more of those and occasionally put yourself in a different type of event and you'll have a good balance.
* Practice makes perfect - the more you go to events and other experiences the better you'll get at chatting with men and chatting them up! Giving good body-language and flirt signals should mean that men ask you out but equally you should be prepared to do the asking. Most men love it when women do the asking!
Some research suggests that you're more likely to meet a long-term partner through an introduction from a mutual friend/family member than in any other way. Other research says you're more likely to meet them at your place of work - but this is getting harder with more places discouraging work relationships due to the threat above sexual harassment cases. I say keep your eyes open at work (while knowing their policy about relationships and sticking to it) and let friends and family know you’re up for dating.
Sometimes the people who care about you feel embarrassed about suggesting that you may not be happy on your own. They don't want to imply it made a judgement that you're a lonely single. They also might be concerned that they make an introduction that doesn't work out. And other such little worries. If you let friends and family know you’re more than happy to have introductions come your way - and that you'll keep approach them with an attitude of having fun and looking for friendship rather than love - you'll take the pressure off of them. And you'll get those introductions!
I’m excited that my new book ‘THE LAWS OF SISTERHOOD - The girlfriends’ guide to successful dating and finding the one’ is available to preorder on Amazon.
I hope you find it a unique guide that emphasises how single friends can help each other make the most of the dating scene. As well as containing a vast array of tips and techniques to help you to dating success - everything from the first date, online dating, the signals he gives out through different behaviours, and how to improve your own signals are included.
“Pam’s dating book is inspired and will make you a much more attractive and confident date” Jo Hemmings, Behavioural psychologist and author
My new book The Emotional Eater's Diet is published in the UK on May 15 - I’m very excited as I hope emotional eaters - women or men will find it helpful. Each year 2/3s of people start a diet and 20% start a new diet each month. Yet 95% of diets aren’t successful.
I firmly believe that emotional eating to soothe difficult feelings is the culprit behind most of this failure. My book has a huge range of practical tips/strategies to help understand your emotions and manage your appetite. There are mini-quizes and real case studies.
It’s available to preorder on Amazon. Please remember that food can fuel your energy needs but not your emotional needs. Take care!
I'm delighted that my latest book Sex Academy was endorsed by my fellow self-help author Siski Green who said: "Sex Academy really is THE Bible of sex books. The lessons and lectures cover the A-Z of everything you want to know - from Anal sex to getting Zero sex." I hope you enjoy it!
I was so excited and HAPPY to write this book on happiness covering my 10 unique Happiness Principles. I hope it helps increase your well-being, contentment, and happiness. I've packed it with dozens and dozens of easy-to-use strategies, plus life-changing insights. Based on about five years of collecting case studies and research I hope you'll find it helpful.
My latest sex guide's out - I've gone through thousands of questions people ask me about sex - from why they don't feel desire to how to handle a partner's kinky fetish. Here are the answers plus loads of tricks and techniques. Enjoy!
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