Dr Pam : Love

I recently had a client, Nicola, 31, complain that although she'd made a big deal about her and her boyfriend of four months feeling "comfortable" in each other's company, and being able to relax together since they work long hours, he's now got too comfortable. The noises, smells, and basically graceless things that should probably be kept under wraps are now in the open. Mark's definitely relaxed in her company!

Often I hear this from a male perspective when a man notices, say, that his girlfriend’s stopped wearing her sexy knickers. “Huh? Where did all these old, grey things materialise from?" he thinks disappointedly. He's genuinely confused wondering where his sex goddess’s knickers have disappeared.

From her prospective she's thinking how lovely and comfortable it feels now not having to hold in her stomach, swanning around in lingerie that looks lovely but doesn't feel so.

That's the crux of this matter about comfort. It's almost always an issue of opposites - what's comfortable for her isn't for him and vice versa. Or it's about extremes - feeling relaxed in each other's company by kicking your shoes and socks off is one thing but picking your toenails is another.

Because we’re talking about opposites and extremes the key is compromise. In Nicola’s case she didn't want to lose an apparently good thing in Mark over a baser personal blip. She took the "I'll make a light joke about this" approach hoping he’d get the message. When next relaxing on her settee and he belched a garlicky-burp she laughed about him “making a Frenchman proud”.

Mark got the message, taking it in good spirits confirming he was a good bet. It's always worth taking the lighter-hearted route rather than making a big deal of, say, your girlfriend failing to look like she stepped out of the Agent Provocateur catalogue any more. She may be inclined to slip back into those sexy things.

A similar article was published in the Times newspaper

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