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Dating at a Distance...A wry smile flickered across my lips when speaking to a client recently. Janice, 31, proclaimed that her long distance relationship was the perfect relationship. Janice is a busy corporate interior designer with clients up and down the country. That's how she met Ben, 35, when making a proposal to one of her northern clients.
Janice explained that the only hiccup was that Ben harped on about one of them moving - either he moving south or Janice north - to be with each other. "Why spoil a perfect thing?" she complained, "There's plenty of time to make such a decision in the future...it's only been 20 months!"
Yes, Janice was right her relationship is perfect if she only wants to skim the surface of relating to Ben. If she simply wants the sparkling excitement of getting together every so often without the day-to-day grind that really tests a couple. But after nearly two years Ben's request didn't seem unreasonable. And, no, their relationship is far from perfect if you want to relate at a truly intimate level as he obviously wished.
Of course many people don't have a choice when it comes to long-distance dating but others do and still opt to keep the distance. What does this say about them? That distance can become a defence mechanism that in one sense keeps you "safe" from what’s really going on. It was time to explore with Janice what underpinned her desire to maintain their long-distance dating.
It was no real surprise that she saw Ben as a bit of fun but not potential permanent-partner material. As her business was thriving Ben fulfilled her social and sexual needs to have an occasional partner.
I challenged Janice on whether honesty was called for since Ben obviously viewed their long-distance dating in a different light. With her conscience tweaked she's considering how to approach this.
I always recommend opening a discussion on expectations and whether both of your expectations can be met by the relationship. If not, how compromise can be reached or whether the relationship has little chance of success. Such discussions may kickstart the beginnings of real intimacy and who knows where that may lead, even a better relationship!
If you're keeping yourself "safe" through distance this is an unsafe way of conducting relationships. You'll never learn to face challenges that real intimacy brings. You won't develop the give-and-take, patience and respect, fundamental to a healthy, intimate relationship. And after all, as the saying goes there's safety in numbers and in this case it's two people, together.
A similar article was published in The Times
I’m excited that my new book ‘THE LAWS OF SISTERHOOD - The girlfriends’ guide to successful dating and finding the one’ is available to preorder on Amazon.
I hope you find it a unique guide that emphasises how single friends can help each other make the most of the dating scene. As well as containing a vast array of tips and techniques to help you to dating success - everything from the first date, online dating, the signals he gives out through different behaviours, and how to improve your own signals are included.
“Pam’s dating book is inspired and will make you a much more attractive and confident date” Jo Hemmings, Behavioural psychologist and author
My new book The Emotional Eater's Diet is published in the UK on May 15 - I’m very excited as I hope emotional eaters - women or men will find it helpful. Each year 2/3s of people start a diet and 20% start a new diet each month. Yet 95% of diets aren’t successful.
I firmly believe that emotional eating to soothe difficult feelings is the culprit behind most of this failure. My book has a huge range of practical tips/strategies to help understand your emotions and manage your appetite. There are mini-quizes and real case studies.
It’s available to preorder on Amazon. Please remember that food can fuel your energy needs but not your emotional needs. Take care!
I'm delighted that my latest book Sex Academy was endorsed by my fellow self-help author Siski Green who said: "Sex Academy really is THE Bible of sex books. The lessons and lectures cover the A-Z of everything you want to know - from Anal sex to getting Zero sex." I hope you enjoy it!
I was so excited and HAPPY to write this book on happiness covering my 10 unique Happiness Principles. I hope it helps increase your well-being, contentment, and happiness. I've packed it with dozens and dozens of easy-to-use strategies, plus life-changing insights. Based on about five years of collecting case studies and research I hope you'll find it helpful.
My latest sex guide's out - I've gone through thousands of questions people ask me about sex - from why they don't feel desire to how to handle a partner's kinky fetish. Here are the answers plus loads of tricks and techniques. Enjoy!
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No couple or single can be without this unique, best-selling book containing a vast range of techniques, tricks and tips to turn your lover on. From attracting someone new to recharging your old relationship, Fabulous, explores each of the sexual senses in turn!
No. 1 selling book offering you tons of fantastic sex tips PLUS a new and revolutionary ways of looking at sexual pleasure and ‘problems‘ and how they fit into a person's whole life and relationships.
No. 1 selling sex book covering everything from how your body works to infinite sex tips. The Daily Star said: 'Sinful Sex has something for everyone'
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