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Getting Together Again?

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Story

QUIZ: Harness Those Wedding Day Doubts And Nerves

11/10/2009

Harness Those Wedding Day Doubts And Nerves

Here are my thoughts on the six secret pre-wedding worries

Give me a bride-to-be who says she doesn't have one shred of doubt and I'll give you one who’s fibbing. No matter how deeply in love it’s completely natural to have little niggles about the big day - and all those happy-ever-after years. This is, after all, one of the biggest decisions of your life. Some doubts mean you're thinking things through and that's a positive approach to married life.

Take my quick quiz to determine if any of the most common, six secret, pre-wedding doubts are out of control. Select the answer best matching your agreement/disagreement with each statement:

1/ We already disagree about certain things -I fear this’ll get worse

A/Strongly disagree

B/Slightly agree

C/Strongly agree

2/ I worry we’ve rushed into getting married

A/Strongly disagree

B/Slightly agree

C/Strongly agree

3/I fear he’ll change for the worse after the wedding

A/Strongly disagree

B/Slightly agree

C/Strongly agree

4/I feel nervous our families won't get along or make too many demands on us

A/Strongly disagree

B/Slightly agree

C/Strongly agree

5/I'm anxious we might get bored with each other

A/Strongly disagree

B/Slightly agree

C/Strongly agree

6/ I worry that we'll lose the romance

A/Strongly disagree

B/Slightly agree

C/Strongly agree

The six secret doubts most likely to trouble brides-to-be are: worries that disagreements will worsen after the wedding, that you're rushing it, that he'll change for the worse, your families will cause you problems, you'll get bored, and/or romance will go out the window. Check out where you stand:

Mainly A answers: Chilled out

Lucky for you, nerves aren't a problem. This probably means you face things head-on with your fiance and don't sweep things under the carpet. It's a good idea to check out the suggestions below as a preventive measure.

Mainly B answers: Niggling Nerves

You've obviously got some nerves and these may be completely natural. However, if they're likely to spin out of control, or signal a real danger area, definitely check out the advice below.

Mainly C answers: High Anxiety

Anxieties and nerves are jangling out of control and you risk future happiness by not facing them now. Here's how to tackle those six secret doubts:

Secret Doubt One: tackle present disagreements you worry will get worse now, but calmly. Wedding Jumping in the deep end to sort all such problems out won’t help in the wedding run-up. Make a priority list of things you argue about. What can you do to improve them? Taking responsibility for your part shows amazing goodwill and that you want your relationship, pre-and post-wedding, to be strong. Listen to him and only make practical/do-able suggestions of what he can do.

Secret Doubt Two: out-of-control feelings that you might be rushing things are common when couples have been together less than two years. Work out if this is about pressure from him or simply a natural self-questioning about the speed of things. You need to deal with it if he wanted to rush tying the knot. Best to let him know about these feelings but with huge amounts of tact. No need for either of you to panic as such nerves may be solved simply by confronting them or by making a practical decision to postpone plans if needs be.

Secret Doubt Three: do you fear annoying/irritating little things he does will annoy you more or get worse after marriage? You might worry he'll then care even less about being on good behaviour. Begin with self-examination - do you do annoying little things that might get on his nerves? Of course you do - we all do. And do you plan on letting these worsen after the wedding? I hope not! And he probably doesn't either. Ignore the habits that don't matter and approach positively the things you really wish he’d change. Always compliment/praise any signs he's changing such things.

Secret Doubt Four: it's only natural to feel little niggles with each other's families so don't let pre-wedding nerves blow such things out of proportion. A few key rules should put paid to such worries. Never criticise his family - as you wouldn't want him to criticise yours. Always play fair and spend equal time with each other's families. And stand united if any family member - his or yours - interferes or stirs things up.

Secret Doubt Five: pre-wedding worries about getting bored, over the years to come, are common. But as my late-mother used to say, "Only boring people get bored," so it's really up to you to keep interested in life. Chat with him regularly about going new places and trying new things.

Secret Doubt Six: the fear that romance will nosedive after the wedding are well-founded because people simply can't stay in that golden honeymoon phase where they can't keep their hands off each other. The key is to raise such concerns and tell your fiancé that you hope you two don't let the romance died completely. Also ask for honesty and that you want him to let you know if he feels neglected in any way.

Published in The Express Newspaper