Dr Pam Spurr

Single? Don't get scammed with my top tips...

My latest Wingman dating app column...

No one expects to get scammed when they're looking for romance and love because most of us are natural optimists. We believe that we could identify someone attempting to scam us.

Unfortunately, it's not that easy to identify these scammers. Especially if you're back on the dating scene after a bad breakup, a divorce, or some other life trauma and you're at your most vulnerable.

The statistics are quite shocking with 9,500 people, in the UK, reporting romance scams in the year 2024/2025. On average each single lost around £8,000 with overall £106 million being lost. However, experts say this could be the tip of the iceberg because so many singles, that have been scammed, fail to report it due to embarrassment. You should never feel ashamed if you've been scammed, it can happen to the most aware of people.

There are many things you should be aware of to avoid being scammed when you're on the dating scene. Here are the key red flags:

* Have you only just met someone but already they are love bombing you? That's not a good sign. Although it could signify that they are quite emotionally needy, it could also signify they want to lull you into thinking they're the best thing since sliced bread.

* Do they seem to want too much of your time too soon? Again, they want to cocoon you into believing that they find you irresistible and just need to see you again really soon.

* Did they show up on a date and had forgotten their wallet/purse? Seriously, no one forgets their credit card even if they don't carry cash. And so many people have payment apps on their mobiles so this should never be an excuse.

This can be a red flag that they are testing the waters to see if you will happily pay for them or at least be embarrassed into paying for them. We Brits hate to have any sort of ‘scene’ meaning that we don't want any embarrassment on our first or one of our early dates.

* If you haven't actually met in person yet, but have only been interacting online have they refused to show their face? This can be a red flag that they are trying to hide their identity from you. Also be aware if they happily show photos of themselves but when you ask for FaceTime they make up an excuse like their FaceTime – or similar - app has broken. Don't forget that people have their personal photos stolen all the time and there are plenty of so-called stock photos that a scammer can use pretending it's a photo of themself.

* Does their profile on social media or on a dating app seem too good to be true? It probably is. Scammers want to appear like they are attractive and successful to throw you off the scent that ultimately they're going to be asking you for cash or gifts.

* Do they happen to mention that their mother needs an operation or their father needs expensive medications or their sibling is in hospital far away and they're trying to scrape together the money to fly to see them, or such like? This can be a red flag that they're testing the water to see how quickly you're prepared to stump up cash to help them out.

They act like this is urgent. Such urgent money requests are a massive red flag.

Never ever give or loan money to someone you've only just met and certainly never do so if you haven't even met them face to face. These scammers like to line up their ducks so to speak. They first select someone who appears vulnerable to them. Then they love bomb them. Then they start trying to determine if they can get money out of them.

* Always listen to your intuition. Something I'm always banging on about. The majority of us want to see the best in someone new. It's crucial you listen to that sixth sense that may be telling you something is up with this new person.

Good luck and happy dating x

If there are any little ones in your life, Dr Pam’s first children’s story book is out now: http://tinyurl.com/36y3xr6n

Single? Springtime is a great time to date!

My new column for Wingman dating app...

Spring has arrived and it's a really great time of year to put the effort into dating. Many singles ‘hibernate’ over the winter but now it's time to feel good about yourself and let the sunny weather help give you a boost. Sunshine not only gives you vitamin D, but it boosts your endorphins – those lovely feel-good brain chemicals that help you sparkle. 

Here are top tips to try now:

* Beware of talking yourself down when you're heading out either to a function, where you might meet other singles, or to a date that you've arranged - maybe via the Wingman app.

Focus on your three top qualities - like the things your friends say about you that make you a great friend. Focusing on your positives when you rock up to the date, means you give a positive vibe out.

* Dig deep and try facing a dating-fear of yours. Dating-fears are very common – for example, feeling you don't know how to make good conversation like the singles you're competing with. Or feeling you don't have any funny anecdotes for that first date. Even things like believing that you look unattractive when you eat. Dating-fears are very common.

Let's take the fear that you're not very good at conversation. Think about the last film you watched, or music you enjoyed, or TV drama you thought was fantastic. Think about what you might say about them to the person you're meeting.

Arm yourself with a couple talking points like that. Then remind yourself you don't have to be the best conversationalist but interested in what they say plus enthusiastic about what you have to say.

* Definitely try some new places. Most of us get stuck in going to the same old pub or cafe or coffee shop. Go to the same places and you see the same faces. Make a list of new places and get some friends to go along with you to check them out.

* Update your dating profile - if something noteworthy happens to you or you've got a new photo that you think shows you in a good light, then get it up on your profile. Make your dating profile dynamic, rather than static, sitting there the same for months on end without any changes.

Here’s to spring giving you a spring in your step for some fun dating.

Good luck and happy dating x

If there are any little ones in your life, Dr Pam’s first children’s story book is out now: http://tinyurl.com/36y3xr6n

Single? Beware of ‘Throning’!

My latest column for Wingman Dating App...

Are you about to be ‘throned’ by a single you've met? Or are you guilty of ‘throning’ singles you meet?

Throning is a dating trend that has finally been named. It's where a single gets strategic when looking for a partner. They actively seek to date someone who has higher popularity, social status, or influence, in order to boost their own status.

Singles who engage in this take a transactional approach to dating. This so-called clout-chasing is something to be aware of. That shiny new single may simply be after your status and clout. This can go both ways with men and women guilty of ‘throning’.

Five signs to spot it:

* They seem more interested in anything high status about you compared to their interest in just getting to know the real you.

* From the off they want to be involved in activities you do that give you your status.

* When mentioning or discussing other people, they seem to completely focus on those individuals’ power and influence.

* They get really disappointed if you're going to a high-status event - maybe because you've been solely invited - and they can't come along.

* They want selfies with you even from your first meeting when normally singles might wait to get that snap until they know you better.

These and other signs suggest that they are throning you and they want to be part of your Kingdom or Queendom. Obviously, it's up to you if you're taken with them, whether you have more dates with them. You might see qualities in them that you find attractive, quite apart from their transactional nature.

Good luck and happy dating, Pam x

If there are any little ones in your life, Dr Pam’s children’s story book is out now: http://tinyurl.com/36y3xr6n

Single? Beware of ‘Ghostlighting’

My new column for Wingman Dating App...

Just when you think you've heard it all - that there won't be any new dating trends or specialised words highlighting something in dating (you know, like ‘breadcrumbing’) - along comes ghostlighting.

This is truly a trend from the dark side of singlehood. It highlights some very toxic behaviour.

What is ghostlighting? For starters you have ghosting. Ghosting is when you've been chatting on an app or have even met up and had some dates and then suddenly they become a ghost. They no longer exist in your life. There is no explanation and they just disappear.

Then you have gaslighting. Gaslighting is where someone makes you feel like you're slightly crazy because they're doing and saying things that don't chime together. It epitomises cognitive dissonance. Cognitive dissonance is the awkward feeling you have when you know one thing to be true but something else is happening that contradicts that. It's the opposite feeling to being on an even keel.

Ghostlighting is an alarming combination of the two. Firstly, the person you've been chatting to - or have actually met up - with ghosts you, disappearing from the scene. Then at some random time they pop back up and when you question them, they act like you've got a problem. That there is nothing for you to be concerned about because here they are again!

Of course, that behaviour is extremely concerning and you should be concerned about it. When you express any further concern, they continue to allege that you're the one who's too sensitive. Or that you're too needy, etc.

A few tips for coping with this situation:

* Don't let them get away with it. Continue to stand your ground. Explain that you would never treat someone that way and that you don't expect it to be treated that way.

* If they then take your points seriously, listen to their reasons. Does their reason make any sense? For example, were they “all over the place” because of something traumatic happening in their life? Don't forget coma you are the judge of whether or not they have any ground to stand on.

* If you set such extremely hard boundaries with them, you might find they concede that you're right and they say that they will do better. It's up to you if you give them another chance.

* Any hint down the line of such behaviour and you should be straight out of there. Because this is where your all-important intuition should kick in and tell you that although they might have had some reasons for behaving badly, that now, a second time around, you are not going to risk being upset by them again.

Good luck and happy dating, Pam x

If there are any little ones in your life, Dr Pam’s first children’s story book is out now: http://tinyurl.com/36y3xr6n

Single? Dating in December!

My latest Wingman dating App column... 

Although recent surveys have found that many singles are happier with being single at Christmas than in previous years, it can still feel like a time of year where some singles wish they had someone in their life.

The surveys show that the best part of being single in December is not having any stresses and strains about what you do at Christmas because of course, as a single, you dictate what you do.

For those who don't want to take a break from dating during December there are key factors to consider.

Here are my top tips for dating in December:

* Become a yes person! Say yes to every single invitation for drinks, or Christmas cakes, or charity dos, or any opportunity to meet other singles. Really go for it when many singles are staying at home!

* Be ready for unexpected encounters with other singles like in the lift at work. Have a ready smile if they look interesting to you. Be prepared to ask simple questions like: do you also work here? Being prepared can help optimise such opportunities.

* It's still important to challenge any irrational feelings that all couples “out there” are totally loved up. Christmas and the new year are the time of year when many couples call it a day. Don't worry about what couples are doing, just enjoy what you're doing.

* Make it a priority to see your coupled-up friends too. Be honest with them that you are still on the lookout and you're not pausing that for Christmas and new year. Who knows, they might just attempt some matchmaking.

* If you don't cross paths with another single that you're attracted to, don't worry about it. Praise yourself for getting out there anyway when a lot of singles feel they can't face the Christmas season. Take it as a win that you might have had some good times, It doesn't matter that you didn't meet anyone special, and it will be onwards and upwards in 2026.

* Make sure you stay on Wingman app - with potentially more time on your hands during the Christmas break you should be checking out who’s around.

Happy Christmas, happy 2026 and happy dating, Pam x

If there are any little ones in your life, Dr Pam’s first children’s story book is out now: http://tinyurl.com/36y3xr6n

Single? Giveaways That They Might be ‘Woke-fishing’!

My latest column for Wingman Dating App... 

I do love a new dating term and recently I came across ‘woke-fishing’. What's that? I hear you say. The starting point is if you take the definition of 'woke' as caring about all sorts of social issues and challenges people face. Also, it's supposedly about being kind. And it's about being aware of the privileges some in society have, etc.

Woke-fishing means that someone is pretending to be kind and caring - just to reel you in - because they think that's what you want. It's a pretence to being all-nurturing and full of empathy and understanding.

Sadly, I'm not surprised this new term exists. Some singles will try all sorts of things to appeal to someone they are attracted to. In this case they noticed that you care about all sorts of causes. And that you are always trying to be kind. So they decide to show you their caring and 'woke' side.

Whether or not they can keep that up in the long term - if that's not their natural personality - is a big question. They might discover that they have a more empathic side. Or they might start to reveal their true nature and that they disagree with many things you hold to be important. 

Just to clarify, some people have quite valid concerns about 'wokeness' - not everyone sees it as completely positive. It's a tricky area all about your beliefs and opinions and of course we don't all agree. 

Here are three main behaviours to watch for indicating they're faking it:

* You meet up at a bar, restaurant, cafe, etc. Then they have a drink or two and suddenly they're criticising, for example, the looks of someone in the bar. Something you would be too tactful to do. It seems out of character and when they see the look on your face they stop with the criticisms.

* You meet their friends and realise they're not your sort of people. They're more frank - some would say more honest - than you are. Maybe they're sarcastic and always taking the 'p' out of something. Joking around is one thing but it's simply not your more 'caring-sharing' sense of humour. You feel uncomfortable.

* You catch sight of something they've posted on social media that is really out of character from how they have been portraying themself to you. It doesn't chime with your outlook and opinions on life. There's maybe no right or wrong to it, but you don't like their post.

The big question is do you still fancy them after they reveal their truer self? Are you happy to date someone that you tend to disagree with particularly on social issues? Some people like a bit of friendly sparring with a potential partner. Others wouldn't countenance it and want someone that they feel they are really in sync with.

The decision is yours! Good luck and happy dating, Pam x

If there are any little ones in your life, Dr Pam’s first children’s story book is out now: http://tinyurl.com/36y3xr6n

Don’t Be a ‘SAD’ Single! Advice for seasonal affective disorder when dating...

My latest column for Wingman Dating App...

Approximately 3 million people in the UK experience seasonal affective disorder (SAD). Also, there are about 29,000,000 singles in the UK. If we think in terms of a Venn diagram there will definitely be overlap with singles who also experience SAD.

One piece of research found that single people reported more serious symptoms of SAD. As a sufferer myself, I’m not surprised. I know how much the cuddles and support from my other half, as well as interacting with other family and friends, means to me during the autumn.

People experience SAD differently. Some people have it during the autumn as I do. Others tend to get it in the winter. And some suffer over both seasons!

As it affects your mood – and you want to put your best foot forward on dates – please consider the many possible symptoms associated with SAD.

Please also remember to check with your doctor if your autumn/winter ‘blues’ could be a more profound depression.

Here are symptoms to look out for:

*The blues – feelings of sadness that are inexplicable because nothing has happened like, say, a divorce or bereavement.

*Many say they feel anxious, too.

*You're likely to have sleep disturbance, being restless at night. Then it’s hard to drag yourself out of bed, and you feel sloth-like during the day.

*You may experience appetite changes with cravings for comfort foods or for sweets.

*Other unpleasant symptoms include listlessness and lacking interest in things you normally enjoy.

*Memory and concentration might suffer and you find yourself re-reading articles, pages in a book, or losing the thread of a TV programme.

*Unfortunately, SAD tends to lower your immune response, too, and you catch every virus going.

Here are helpful tips:

*Use daily ‘light therapy’. Purchase a light box online or at a high-street chemist - some health authorities rent them out. For the best results light boxes must produce 10,000 lux as it’s called. Mine’s on my desk for use first thing in the morning for an hour or two.

*Devise a good sleep regime. Rather than using alcohol to help you sleep use a night-time herbal tea. Switch off technology at least 90 minutes before bedtime and resist napping during the day. Try a sunrise-mimicking alarm clock that gradually wakes you up.

*Watch what you eat and resist cravings. Keep nourished with plenty of fresh fruit and vegetables plus eat regular meals including mood-boosting foods like turkey and oily fish. Begin your day with mood-boosting porridge.

*Take regular exercise, preferably something that lifts your mood like a dance or gym class. Get out for a daily walk when the sun comes out for some natural sunlight. Let your manager/colleagues know that you need to take advantage of sunlight.

*Avoid extra stress. Know your limits and learn how to say ‘No’ to excess responsibilities.

*Most important of all don't isolate yourself. Let loved ones know when your SAD sets in and that you're putting in place an anti-SAD regime. Welcome any support and encouragement they can give you.

*Definitely keep up your search for dates - and love - if that’s what you’re looking for. But don’t go over the top, stick to one dating app like Wingman, of course. Don’t put pressure on yourself to rush out and meet people, take it slowly if there is someone you find attractive.

Good luck and happy dating, Pam x

If there are any little ones in your life, Dr Pam’s first children’s story book is out now: http://tinyurl.com/36y3xr6n

Single? Friends and Their Part in Your Dating!

My latest column for Wingman Dating App...

If you're like I am, your friends play a big part in your life. And when you're single, they are there for your dating adventures - as you are for theirs - and also for simply still doing things together as friends.

As a single, your friendships are so important, they can keep you focused on life as something more than just looking for a partner. However, in my date coaching work I frequently hear from people who feel disappointed in a friend’s behaviour, when they meet someone new.

The biggest culprit is a friend who feels justified in being your dating guide, dating consultant, love-guru know-it-all, dating-vetter, etc,. They want too much control of your dating.

Here are a few tips to ensure friends help – and don’t hinder – our dating:

* Beware of their criticisms - An overprotective friend may look for the slightest error someone new in your life makes. Let's say that person was late for a date with you. Your friends start saying things like: he/she must be unreliable and not good enough for you.

Be ready to flag up the positive points of this new person. And keep it simple and say thank you for their concern but you're going to give this person a bit more time.

* They just don't like the look of your date - We've all been here - you're introduced to someone new and you literally don't like the look of them. You can't put your finger on it, you just know that you won't like them. Don't let a friend’s instant judgement put you off someone that so far, you've judged to be pretty good.

It's your feelings that count. Again, tactfully telling your friend that you're going to give this person a little time -and you hope they'll be on board with that - is the best way of setting your boundaries.

* Know when to listen to your friend - If you have ‘form’ when it comes to choosing totally inappropriate boyfriends or girlfriends then that is the time to listen to what your friend has to say about this new person. A friend that knows us well - and knows that we've made a number of bad choices - probably has the wisdom that you might be lacking.

*Coping with their criticisms - There may be a time when you start dating someone that you think is your match, and you're really invested in this fledgling relationship - but a friend still isn’t on board. They're always criticising this new person.

Have a think about what their motivation might be. Could they actually be envious that you have found someone? And also they might feel a bit left out? It's quite a natural reaction for a friend to blame the new person rather than owning up to their feelings of envy.

Try opening up a conversation with your friend. Tell them you really want to get to the bottom of why they don't like someone that you now really like. Also give your friend some quality time. It's a balancing act when you have someone new in your life and you let good friends go by the wayside, for a bit, as you plunge into the new relationship. This might be something you need to work on.

Of course, you don't have to see a friend as much as you're seeing a new lover. There is almost always a period of adjustment before you find a good balance between your new relationship and your friendships. But keeping up the messaging and chats you once had with friends, is a very good idea.

Good luck, Happy dating, Pam x

If there are any little ones in your life, Dr Pam’s first children’s story book is out now: http://tinyurl.com/36y3xr6n

Single? Are you ‘Recycle-Dating’?

My latest column for Wingman Dating App...

You might not have heard of ‘Recycle-Dating’ - a term I've coined over years of date coaching - but you might be doing it.

Recycle-Dating is where you meet someone on an app like Wingman, or IRL, date for a month or two and then end it. Only to go back a few weeks, or so, later. Then you ‘recycle’ them again when you decide: “no, they're not right for me.” 

And you might find you repeat that whole recycling process again. I've seen this happen with some couples ‘recycling’ three or four times before either they stick together or end it for good.

Usually, a couple who end up in ‘recycle-dating’, experience many highs and lows, much passion and even heartache. Such excitement can make it very hard to decide whether this person is good for you – or not. It can be exciting and equally heartbreaking. It makes you want to recycle the experience again and again to help you make up your mind.

Here are three top tips to work out if it's worth ‘recycling’ them again:

* Are you the one - or are they the one - who keeps dropping things only to come back? If it's you, what are your true deep-down concerns with dating them? Are they unreliable, do they not really fit in with your life, are they too much, or do they put in too little effort, and so on?

All of these things are pretty major issues. While you've been dating them have you tried to work the issue out? If you've tried and it's still not working, then maybe you need to move on if it's just something like passionate sex keeping you together.

If they're the one who keeps dropping things with you, then want to try again, have they ever given you an honest reason why they do this? Because if you don't feel you've had honesty from them, this is quite a red flag if you want something long term.

* Can you identify the best aspects of the times you have spent together? Does it involve things that signal compatibility, like sharing the same hobbies? Or does it involve passion, like great sex?

Think carefully about the highlights of the dates you've had and why they've got you stuck in a recycle-dating pattern. If it's something positive that signals true compatibility it might be worth giving it another shot… one more recycle!

If you can't identify something positive - that would be a foundation for a stronger relationship - then think carefully about dating them again.

* Finally, what are the worst aspects of the dating you've done with them? Have they upset you, have they let you down, have you felt that you – yourself – aren’t that bothered, etc.

Trying to pick this apart will definitely provide you with the kind of information you need to move forward with them or to stop this recycle-dating pattern.

Good luck, Happy dating, Pam x

If there are any little ones in your life, Dr Pam’s first children’s story book is out now: http://tinyurl.com/36y3xr6n

Dating? And over 50? Some of my top tips for you...

I was asked to make a major contribution to this article on "silver" dating in the Telegraph - I hope my tips help!

Have fun, Pam x